A young woman, terrified and visibly shaken, rushes into a church in the middle of the week and runs straight to the duty priest.

"Father, please help me! Something terrible has happened! This morning I accidentally spilled my Thursday salt, then a black cat ran across my path, and to make matters worse, the little mirror in my pocket cracked! It has to be a sign, doesn't it? I'm cursed now! Or someone has put the evil eye on me! What should I do? What prayer service should I request?"

The priest sighed sadly, made the sign of the Cross over her, and replied calmly:

"All right, here's the remedy. Go home, stand in front of a mirror, look carefully at yourself, and say out loud three times:

'I am an Orthodox Christian, not a member of the Mumba-Yumba tribe.'

Usually works instantly.

The problem is simply that your faith in superstitions has become stronger than your faith in God.

Go in peace. And stop offending cats."

The long Sunday confession line is finally coming to an end. The last parishioner approaches the priest – a very respectable-looking elderly woman – and begins from a safe distance:

“Father, I have sinned... Last week I felt jealous of my neighbor because her tomatoes grew better than mine. And on Friday I didn't finish my evening prayers. I skipped three prayers.”

The priest, resting his head on one hand, asks:

“My dear, what about your husband? Do you two ever argue?”

“Oh, goodness no, Father! We have complete harmony. We live in perfect peace. He's a very quiet man – never says a word against me.”

The priest suddenly perks up.

“Really? A perfect marriage? And how exactly did you manage that?”

“Well, it's simple. Right after our wedding I told him: ‘Vasya, if you ever try arguing with me, I can't be held responsible for what happens next. And just so you know, my frying pan is very heavy.’”

“And that was it?”

“That was it, Father. Thirty years of perfect Christian peace in the family!”

The priest sighed, draped his stole over her for the prayer of absolution, and whispered:

“Go in peace, my dear. And tell your husband Vasia that after thirty years of martyrdom, Heaven is awaiting him any day now.”

A monk was very proud of his fasting. And then he had a dream that he was standing at the gates of paradise. An angel looked in a book and said:

– So, we're crossing out meat, milk, eggs from your menu... Wow, you didn't even eat fish! Amazing.

The monk beamed. The angel continued:

– But in the "People" column it says that for breakfast you devoured a novice, for lunch – an abbot, and for dinner – all the pilgrims whole. Go on, dear, digest that, there's no room in paradise.

A parishioner comes to the rector:

"Father, I have committed a terrible sin – I looked in the mirror and thought that I am very beautiful!"

The priest looked at her closely and replied:

"Calm down, my daughter. This is not a sin, this is a conscientious delusion!"

At the choir rehearsal, the choirmaster, driven to complete despair by the false singing of the basses, stops the choir. He removes his glasses, wipes them with a handkerchief for a long time, and says quietly, with deep pain:

– Brothers... I fully understand that you are singing not by notes, but exclusively by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. But could you perhaps ask the Lord for the grace to stay at least within one key?

Real life. A little girl in church is watching a wedding. She whispers to her mother:

– Mom, why is the bride all in white?
– Because today is the happiest day of her life!
– Oh… now I understand why the groom is all in black.

Despondency is when you long to take your soul out for a change of scenery, and it dislikes every view.