If Christians “moved in” like this

We, as a family, are thinking of settling in a Muslim country – haven’t quite decided which one yet. Most likely Syria or Afghanistan. All our neighbors and friends would love to join us – along with their families, their friends, and even their friends’ friends… So yes, there will be quite a lot of us in your country.

Since we’re all Christians, we’ll need to plan the construction of churches – and, from time to time, close off a few streets for our processions. Don’t worry, it’s only once a year… not five times a day!

You’ll also need to make sure your supermarkets are well stocked with pork, bacon, and proper cured fat, so we feel accommodated. After all, we’ll be a minority, and we’ll be counting on your understanding. This is OUR way of life – surely you can respect that.

Oh, and we’re bringing all our dogs with us. So we’ll need parks built for them, and a fair amount of tolerance when we stroll them down your sidewalks.

We would also very much appreciate it if your religious holidays could be canceled – they might offend the Christian community, which, as you now know, is us.

We’ll require the freedom to join school outings wearing crosses, to eat ham sandwiches in school cafeterias and at work, and to have designated prayer spaces in every building – preferably in our own language, with a translator, since we won’t be speaking yours.

If any of these reasonable requests are denied, kindly provide the addresses of your nearest police stations – we may need to file discrimination complaints.

Oh, and one more thing – in your hot climate, we’ll naturally be dressing lightly. Women will wear heels, makeup, and, if they wish, swim in open swimwear – as our religion graciously allows.

And finally, we trust your government will extend a generous package of benefits – free housing, healthcare, and general support while we “adapt” to your country… whether that takes months, years, or a few generations.

Do appreciate it.