“Picasso”: Jealousy

Time: 1992
Place: Kyiv
Characters: Fr. Alexander Kaminsky; Misha Kaminsky, his son; Nastya Ishchenko, Misha’s girlfriend; Oleg Belkovich, and their classmates.

Belkovich’s friendship with Nastya, which had begun after their visit to the theatre, was like a knife in the heart for the jealous Misha. Every conversation between them, every glance they exchanged, twisted that knife deeper and made his suffering unbearable. Nastya understood this – and was torn by conflicting emotions. On the one hand, it was terribly flattering to her vanity; on the other, she felt sorry for Misha and tried in every way to prove that he alone was her one and only. This was expressed in ever more tender embraces and kisses when they were alone together.

Misha, of course, didn’t listen to his father. He comforted himself with the thought that he and Nastya weren’t really doing anything wrong – that everything between them was still fairly pure. Well, almost...

He didn’t go to the caves to pray to the venerable fathers, as his father had told him. Nor did he dare to have that conversation with Nastya about what their relationship should be. He was afraid. What if she didn’t like it? What if she misunderstood?

Fr. Alexander saw it all, guessed much, but feared that constant moralizing would only do harm. He had already said everything that needed to be said. All that remained was to worry – and to pray. To pray and to worry...

Only once, when Misha came home unusually excited, did his father speak to him again about what lay ahead if things continued as they were.

“Talk to her, Misha. Whatever your relationship may be, it should be honest and open.”

Misha nodded obediently.

“You must understand that you could hurt her deeply. Her, you see? Do you really want to make her suffer? If you love her, you must wish her good, not harm. The world today lives by very different principles. People have other values, other ideas of life than we do – I, you, our family. Tell her about that. Share the Good News with her. Perhaps her soul is waiting for just that. Perhaps it’s you – your love – that will lead her to God. After all, what could be more attractive to a person, to a girl, than genuine pure love, chaste relations? In every girl, somewhere deep inside, lives that same purity.”

Misha listened and agreed with everything. If it weren’t already so late, he would have gone to her that very moment to talk. But it was evening...

“Talk to her,” his father almost pleaded. “Tell me, could she possibly take offense if you, as a man, show your respect for her, for her purity? And then... isn’t that attractive in itself? A strong family, faithfulness, devotion. Surely she wants to be the only one for the man she loves?”

Fr. Alexander paused, sighed.

“Oh, Misha, I worry so much for you. You are my firstborn. Of course, I love all my children, but they are still small, and you... Understand: if you stumble now... Fornication is a mortal sin.”

At these words, Misha shuddered.

“You could fall yourself and lead her – the girl you love – into it. Think how she will live with that afterward.”

Misha thought:
“Well, if we’re going to get married anyway...”

As if reading his mind, his father went on:

“And what if you part ways? She’ll have another family, and you another. How will she look her husband in the eyes? How will you look in the eyes of your fiancée, when you tell her you couldn’t preserve your chastity before marriage? And remember – you are a priest’s son. People judge all of us, and the Church, and even God by you. Remember: ‘Because of you, the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles.’”

Misha sighed heavily. Fr. Alexander understood it was time to end the talk. But there was one last thing – something vital – he needed to say.

“I know, Misha, that you want to serve God, to become a priest. But if you fall into fornication, that path will be closed to you forever. This sin is a canonical impediment to ordination.”

“Don’t worry, Papa,” Misha burst out. “I’ve chosen this path and will never turn from it.”

Fr. Alexander only shook his head.

“Go then...”

He blessed Misha with a broad sign of the cross and kissed the crown of his head.

As he was falling asleep, Misha gave himself a solemn promise:

“Tomorrow... tomorrow I’ll definitely talk to her.”

* * *

But the next day was an ordinary one – full of bustle, lessons, little errands. Misha walked Nastya home after school as usual. They laughed and chatted cheerfully. It didn’t seem the right moment to bring up something so serious.

The next day was the same. And the next...

“Tomorrow... well, tomorrow...”

Once, during P.E. class – already held outside – the teacher sent Misha to fetch a football from the gym storage room. Entering the empty hall, Misha noticed a couple kissing in the corner. Embarrassed, he dropped his eyes and hurried past. But he had already seen what he wasn’t meant to see: Oleg Belkovich, who had skipped class, was devouring Alena, a precociously developed girl from the parallel class, with his hands and lips.

“The swine!” Misha thought bitterly. “And he dares to chase after my Nastya!”

From then on, he couldn’t stop condemning his rival.
“There he is – sinning without a thought. No fear of God! Such depravity! And what’s worse, girls let him do it. Thank God things are different with Nastya. Yes, I must talk to her – Father’s right. But what a debauchee Belkovich is! A beast!”

Belkovich, for his part, seemed to revel in his image as a ladies’ man, boasting in front of his classmates about his “romantic exploits.” Sometimes Misha overheard things that made his ears burn.

“How can one not judge that?” he thought, though his father had preached recently about the sin of judging others.

“Judgment,” Fr. Alexander had thundered from the ambo, “is one of the gravest sins! Every other sin breaks a commandment and alienates us from God. But when a person presumes to judge his neighbor, he usurps the divine prerogative! He sets himself in God’s place – what greater pride, what greater madness! The holy fathers say: condemn the sin, but do not judge the sinner. If you can admonish with love – do so. If you can instruct – instruct. If you see him persist in sin – pray for him, pity him. Who deserves our compassion more than one enslaved by the evil one? If you see your brother sinning – guide him, pray for him, do all you can. But fear to judge him! Fear it! For whoever judges is allowed to fall into that very same sin. Remember, we all sin much and stand guilty before God. Let us therefore repent of our own sins, judge ourselves, and not our brother! Amen!”

“Easy for him to say,” thought Misha. “If only he’d seen what I’ve seen...”

And then it happened – something Misha could never have imagined even in his worst nightmare. He saw that same debauchee, Belkovich, kissing his beloved Nastya. Kissing her like an adult – on the lips – his arms wrapped around her slender shoulders.

It happened at school, during the long break. Having finished his meal in the cafeteria, Misha went to return his plate and glass. Usually, the dirty dishes were stacked on a table by the kitchen door. But for some reason, he stepped a little further inside – and saw Oleg and Nastya, the day’s cafeteria helpers, in the corner.

He froze, plate and glass in hand, unable to believe his eyes. Belkovich – that much was expected. But Nastya! His Nastya! He saw her lips reach for his, saw her hands clasped around his back.

They kissed for what seemed an eternity. They pulled apart only when Misha dropped the plate – and it shattered against the floor.

“Oh!” Nastya cried, leaping back from Belkovich. “Oh! Misha!”

Everything went black before Misha’s eyes. He turned sharply and ran out of the cafeteria, still clutching the glass in his hand.

“Misha! Misha, wait!”

She ran after him.

“Misha! Please, let me explain! It’s not what you think! He just... he just grabbed me and started kissing me! I didn’t mean to, Misha. It all happened so fast. Don’t think that of me – you know I love you, only you. Don’t you believe me?”

“I saw everything,” Misha hissed through his teeth, thrusting the dirty glass at her. “Here – take it back to the sink. You’re on duty, after all.”

“Misha! Misha, wait!” she cried as he walked away.

But he walked away all the same.

To be continued…

The previous episode of the book is available here.